God, I love you, praise you and believe in you….but what the Heck (I will substitute with more foul sounding cuss words when I get a little more warmed up here…stay tuned) are you thinking!!????? OF COURSE YOU ARE GIVING ME MORE THAN I CAN HANDLE!!!!! I serve you tirelessly each day, and still….here we are….in the proverbial HELL dealing with unfairly difficult stuff day in and day out!!! Where’s my recompense..my “double for my trouble” as my idol Joyce Meyer would say? I’m ready for it now!!! What’s the hold up? Why is patience a virtue? Patience is HIGHLY overrated! I find that impatience, working hard, dedication and perseverance are my virtues….and ask anyone, I am NOT patient. So why can’t you get “on board” with me on this GOD??? Why can’t we work on being impatient together? Why are you always right, and I’m wrong??? This does not sit well with me….just letting you know.
The last couple weeks have been a joke!! First, the doctor finds a mass in my mom’s abdomen and scares the shit out of us saying that he believes it’s cancer…I was so sick and worried that I cried endlessly for at least 2-3 days until I put my “big girl pants” on (with cute shoes and accessories of course…because that matters!!!!) and decided to “open up a can of whomp ass” on cancer (WARNING: don’t read my blog if you’re opposed to Adam Sandler, Chris Farley or any stupid SNL humor). Then, on the same day traveling to Billings to see a surgical oncologist, we rushed back to Bozeman to see a Nephrologist for Derek. And guess what….Yep….Hello Kidney disease!!!! Are you freaking kidding me? Isn’t it enough that Derek already has Joubert’s Syndrome…..can’t we just leave it at that? So many questions for you God, so little time…..Ugh!
Listening to The Smiths/Morrisey “How Soon is Now?” on my way home from Billings (certainly one of the coolest songs ever created!!!!) makes me feel somewhat lucky, “At least I’m not Morrisey” I thought as I quickly flashed to Shazam to remind myself of the words to this depressing song and I wondered,”Has no one ever discussed Antidepressants with Morrisey?” Geez…one conversation could have changed everything for that poor sad sap….hmmmm. (Mental note: Thank the creator of Shazam because it’s the BEST invention of all time..it has single-handedly allowed me to belt out songs with reckless abandon, but with the correct lyrics…(my friend Julie once witnessed me singing the wrong words to a Maroon 5 song and that was embarrassing…but apparently doing random karaoke anywhere is not embarrassing to me….hmmm).
So I’ve digressed…at least I have a sense of humor (thank you God for giving me humor before packing me up and shipping me out my mom’s womb!!!)…..HUMOR IS EVERYTHING TO ME!!! I think that’s how Darryl and I have coped with everything we’ve been handed…we’ve just laughed our way through this devastation!!! (Well, I think a few drinks here and there have helped too!) We have NO OTHER CHOICE! In fact, in the midst of this scare with my mom, I actually thought that I’d ask the doctor, “Hey…while you’re in there…just grab a kidney and put it “on ice” in case Derek needs it”…sooooo politically incorrect, and OF COURSE I don’t mean it, but you have to admit: it’s a little funny. My mom and dad were laughing!! Hell….I’m going to give Derek one of my kidneys if I have to pull it out myself….I better be a match! (Another mental note: Be sure I’m a “match” for Derek first!)
So after hearing that mom does not have cancer I feel thankful and relieved….thank you God because I can’t live without my mom!!! Is this the silver lining you’re giving me God? Is this what I need to hang on to for now? I will do that; I will hang on for dear life with my fingers gripping the edge, and “white knuckling” my way through life as I always do. And when we get good news about Derek (and Damon for that matter! Thanks for the double….no…triple-whammy God! NOT! 🙁 ) then maybe I can loosen up my grip, maybe I can just keep the faith and know you’re in charge. But have you met me? I’m a little bossy and controlling, and at times I have a hard time handing over my “load” to you…..but I’m getting there, a little bit at a time….BE PATIENT…your turn now! Amen!!
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